Monday, April 28, 2014

Grass is Greener

I believe being happy is a choice.  I believe it is something we decide and we cultivate.  I choose to live my life believing "the grass is greener on our side of the fence".  

In 2000 I married my sweet southern husband.  In 2001 his job and love of the south took me with him to a far off part of the country.  I was used to the west.  I was happy with what I knew.  I struggled for a short short time to find my place there.  My dad gave me some everlasting advice.  He said "learn to love it.  Love the poeple, love the culture, love the weather, love the food..." He was right.  Soon I felt very much at home and in love with the deep southern states of the United States of America. I chose to love it and it loved me back.  
In 2004 we built a beautiful house.  We put our heart and soul into it.  It was like a first love in house form.  It was in a beautiful neighborhood.  We had great friends.  We were comfortable, pretty much care free and so happy.
In 2006 we decided to head back west with our little family and plant ourselves - continue to build our american dream kind of life.  We had a plan.  It wasn't until after we made the move that we realized our plan was not our Heavenly Father's plan.  It left us confused....for a long time.  While 7 years later I can honestly say things worked out better than they ever could have it sure did leave us perplexed for a long time.  That time that we were so perplexed was super hard.  Day by day decisions.  Lots of talks of what the future held.  Lots of directions to turn.  During that the first 4 years after the move we were not the only ones to find our path uneasy.   It seemed as people all around us were snapping.  Financially, emotionally, ethically, morally, and just all around struggling.   It was right when the economy was at its worst since the great depression.  Moments we felt like it was the great depression.  It was hands down some of the hardest years Ive ever seen or understood as an adult.  Clearly Heavenly Father had a plan for us.  In those 4 dry years we felt things we havent ever felt before.  We learned lessons that shaped us.  We totally depended on prayer and faith.  When things that shook our faith happened we had to strap up and be strong and remember our commitments.  Decisions were made of OUR morals and ethics.  We became concrete.

In one week a series of long coming overdue events transpired and made our path turn to a point we could see some light.  We moved to a new area.  We felt loved.  We could see our path a little better. 

Here it is 2014.  We survived the biggest financial ride of our life.  We just recently paid off all of our debt.  We have 4....beautiful, healthy, children.  We have opportunities.  We have many choices of good education.  My husbands work has gotten better and better.  We have so much family support.  We have talents.  We have a loving Heavenly Father that knows us.  

We have reasons all around to believe that our grass is sooooo green.

Somehow concrete as I have become, I still manage to slip into these occasional funks.  I think 3 weeks ago I slipped into one.  It usually comes on for different reasons.  I start to doubt myself.  I start to doubt my faith, my competance, my knowledge, my skills, my choices.  I start to question everything around me.  Its so bazar.  I can honestly feel these funks come over me.  I honestly can feel the moment when I decide to either keep sulking, or be happy.  On my strong days I choose to not go there.  On my bad days I decide to keep sulking.  The sad thing is this starts a cycle.  A cycle that I can see how people could get stuck in.  It is sad.  It is desperate.  It is lonely.  It is so awful.  It is a cycle that can literally drag you down to a point you can't easily get back up from.

On Saturday night I had a major revelation.  Everytime I start to do something profound, meaningful, or valuable in my life I hit this feeling. A feeling of overwhelming and inadequacy.  I know it is Satan.  I know that he knows my weak points.  I know he knows where he can't get me....and equally he knows where he can.  He hits me with my self worth.  He literally attacks my self worth.  

I am embarking on several important and worthwhile moments and accomplishments of my life.  Of course the adversary would appear in my life.  It just makes sense.  

I realized this.  Heavenly Father wants us to have joy and peace.  I will choose to be....the grass is so green on my side of the fence....and all along the path I have in front of me.